I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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