Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
