I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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