In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize