Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
