One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize