tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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