barbara walters just said penis...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
