Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You need Xanax blowdarts
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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