Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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