a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
