Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
