Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
