sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
