Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
