I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why are your pants in the freezer?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
