My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
