Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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