I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
