When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
