She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
