when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
