Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
