Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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