WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
