So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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