my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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