You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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