Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
