Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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