alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
