life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize