She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
