Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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