dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
im six kinds of drunk right now
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
