Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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