Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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