There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
