Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
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