So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
