Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My balls are so social today.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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