In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
