I can't watch pbs sober anymore
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
