i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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