I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
