I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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