she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
