listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
