his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
