Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
