The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
