id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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