At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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