Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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