You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
