I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize