God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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