why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
i think i just lost a toe
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
