The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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