I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
